


At Least Once

by OnTheGround2012



Series: Flinthamilton Stories/Stuff [1]
Category: Black Sails
Genre: Angst, Emotions, Feelings, Feelings Realization, Feels, Internal Monologue, M/M, Memories, Regret, Repressed Memories, Shame, Stream of Consciousness, mentioned Miranda Barlow, mentioned Thomas Hamilton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-10
Updated: 2017-11-10
Packaged: 2019-01-31 14:21:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12683655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnTheGround2012/pseuds/OnTheGround2012
Summary: My interpretation of Flint's thoughts after his conversation with Miranda in 2x05 when she tells him that he's "fighting for the sake of fighting".





	At Least Once

**Author's Note:**

> I joined the Black Sails fandom last week and I'm still reading and catching up with all the great stuff that is out there and therefore, I didn't expect to write anything. Besides, I can't write unless I feel like I know their voices well enough to attempt anything a little decent... but well, I've written stream of consciousness before in another fandom and I love this scene and this just came to me, so I had to give it a try.
> 
> Thanks to Palebluedot and dreamer_98 for their advice and opinion.
> 
> No idea what people will think of this because it's not something for everybody, so some feedback would be lovely.
> 
> I wasn't sure about including Thomas and Miranda in the tags but I decided to do it because they are part of the story.

                                                                 

 

You want to say she’s wrong. That she doesn’t know what she’s talking about but she knows you as well as Thomas did, probably even better at this point.

She knows everything that drives you mad.

She knows everything you are capable of.

That’s why her words hurt.

It hurts when people tell you what you don’t want to hear, what you don’t want to admit to yourself.

You don’t really want this constant fight to end. You know it as well as she does. As long as it continues you don’t have time to think.

To remember.

To look back at everything you left behind.

Who you left behind.

Who you could have saved but you didn’t.

Because you know it. You could have at least tried but you didn’t.

Instead you listened to her. Why the fuck did you listen to her? As much as you try to find the answer you can’t.

Except you were a coward and you know it.

No matter what she says.

No matter how she justifies what you did, there’s this voice telling you, reminding you that what you did was wrong.

The truth is you failed him and you will forever regret it.

You have to live with it.

Keep going. Fight. And fight again.

Shit. You hate this. That’s why you don’t have these moments.

That fucking book.

A book you love and hate in equal measure.

Because with it all comes back to you.

You can’t help it.

His writing.

His voice.

His smile.

His eyes.

His presence.

The way he treated you.

The way he loved you.

Everything.

The whole thing was real.

The way he made you feel. It was real.

You had it. At least once.

Many years have passed but the memories haven’t faded. If anything they’re brighter than ever. Fucking real. Fucking beautiful.

Fucking painful.

Fucking difficult to live with.

Fucking painful to think about.

But when you do, when you stop to think about him, the man that you used to be. The man who trusted England, politicians, the Royal Navy and the Sea Lords.

The man who thought he could actually accomplish something.

Change something.

A man who was naïve. And so in love that he lost every perspective of reality and ruined three lives.

You feel sad for that man. You wish you could tell him to wake up and stop dreaming.

Stop dreaming about a future in Nassau.

Stop dreaming about a future away from England. From fucking civilization. From fucking rules and conventions.

Because you know it. It was you. You were supposed to talk him out of it.

You were supposed to stop him.

Stop everything.

But you didn’t.

You only made it worse. And worse. Until he was gone.

Just gone.

No goodbye.

Nothing.

Just gone.

It was you.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm [otg2012](http://otg2012.tumblr.com) on Tumblr in case you want to tell me anything over there.


End file.
